Jun 30 2007
I don’t even know if anyone sees this
I still do not know what i am doing. I don’t even know if anyone sees this.  i guess it does not matter.  It is here for me to take my thoughts out of my head and put them somewhere else.  Today I feel sad. Will I ever not be sad over a failed marriage. It is such an overwhelming sadness that always sneaks up on me. I want it to be gone but it just hangs over me like a black cloud.  I mean I lost the person that I loved and my best friend (or so I thought) that I had for 22 years. Then one day you wake up and you are not supposed to need that person anymore. I wish i worked like a faucet. Just turn it off. I mean he has totally moved on. He just moved on, coldly and never seemed to have one regret or remorse. I do not understand. There are so many things I do not understand. One of the things that breaks my heart is he seems to care so little for his children, I do not understand how he goes hours, days, weeks without even seeing how they are doing. He does not live far away, he goes near where we live everyday to take care of his horses. But what about his kids? How does a father do that? You know someone told me that i would never have to tell my kids about their dad and they were right. They are slowly and surely seeing him. I thought all the years we were together that he was there for me and my kids but I was so wrong. I took care of everything then too. I was in charge of it all Bills, kids care, doctor appointments, grocery shopping, teacher meetings but i was so overwhelmed that i lost myself and therefore had nothing left to give. That is another thing about a failed marriage, taking responsibility for what I did. Forgiving myself for my mistakes. Why couldn’t i see them then? I believed that he could do anything, i beleived we were married until we died. But I was wrong. I have to learn to pick up all my broken pieces and go on. That is so hard with two kids. I lost my husband, my best friend, they virtually lost their dad, we lost our home. We we ever be whole again? I pray for that.Â
2 Responses to “I don’t even know if anyone sees this”
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Thank you. I feel like I am all alone sometimes. I have learned that I can not control anything that he does. Someone at church told me that I have a new family now, just me and my kids and he is no longer in my family and so therefore we just do as we need to. And really, that is so true!! This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through it is unknown territory and i get very frightened about my and my childrens future. I have a long way to go!!!